Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Left Out

When I answered my phone, the doctor on the other end leaked out information that was not intended for me to hear. Too late, because I knew it had something to do with one of my family members, and I insisted that he tell me what he was talking about. Somebody from my family was in the hospital, but he wouldn't tell me why.

Arriving at the hospital with at least one of my grandchildren, I found my mother, father, and my youngest sister sitting in a line of chairs. When I asked them why we were here, nobody responded with an answer I wanted to hear. 

Their replies were variations of, "We can't tell you right now," "You'll find out later," and so on. I was infuriated. Everybody else knew but me.

When the procedure or surgery was over, my younger sister came out of the hospital room looking spectacularly beautiful but even she wouldn't tell me why she was there. 

My angered response was to tell everybody not to count on me for any further revelations (in waking life I had told them all that I had cancer a couple of years ago). If I were dying, I would not tell any one of them. 

My mother and I were arguing about the situation, but she wouldn't give in and tell me what had just occurred. So, in childlike fashion, I grabbed a place on the couch (we were now in a room somewhere), folded my arms across my chest, and lifted my head in defiance.

I think the reason I had this dream was because a situation occurred recently where somebody felt the need to pull somebody else aside and tell him to go to a different room so I wouldn't hear the conversation. I find secret telling exceedingly rude. Why not wait until you are alone with the person to reveal your secret instead of making it overtly obvious that you are trying to share information that "somebody" else is not allowed to hear? Or tell the person you are hiding from that you need to speak to the other person alone.

Sharing secrets in public is childish and rude. I've seen one person lean into another person and point her head in a certain direction. The other person looks into the direction of which the secret teller just pointed and both laugh.

Earlier in my life when I was 11 years old, I saw a "friend" of mine point me out to another friend of hers as I was walking close by them. The experience of knowing that whatever laughter they were sharing was at my expense caused me to confront the "friend," who told me that yes, they were laughing at me, more specifically at my hair. At 11 years of age, I lost whatever self confidence I might have had and folded into myself.

One event that occurred decades ago, even when it arises under different circumstances today, still affects me the same way apparently.

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